Oh well, this is going to be a poor me, resenful post,and for once i dont fecking care!

I am just so sick and tired of coming home from work and then having to start again because the washing hasn't been put on,or the washing up hasnt been done!Apparently i am the only one who can do these highly technical things.

I am sick of being the one who pays ALL the bills and pays for ALL the food,because Andy is in debt.
I know he is, and I appreciate his money has to go elsewhere but sometimes it would be nice to be able to spend a bit of money on myself, without having to save up months for it first!
I would love to buy myself a book but I cant cos as usual, I come last!

I do appreciate that he works hard,but it's not that difficult to run the hoover over the carpet is it.
I know I only work 4 hours a day,but it's not as if my day ends there.I then have a whole 20 minutes at home,before I have to walk 2 miles to get Billy from school, come home again (by bus usually),then do the housework, cook tea, oh then wash up again.
My life is a barrel of laughs!
Social life? Forget it..I have no money, yet he smokes 20 fags a day!

I'm not usually so resentful, but it would be nice to be appreciated now and again!

When he was out of work, i really struggled to make ends meet,and he said he would make it up to me..but so far...nothing.
I am just feeling a little pissed off!!!!!!!!!!!

I ended up in a binge last night, my first in 5 days and today was weigh in day.My first weigh in since going on this diet and I am pleased to say that i lost
*drum roll*
7lbs!!!!!!!!!!!

I try not to concentrate on things too deeply,not regarding myself anyway.I am there for friends because then I don't have to think about me.
I bury feelings by eating.That's the truth of it right there.
I eat if I'm happy, I eat when I'm sad..or when I'm angry,or depressed, or bored..you get the general idea.I don't need to have a reason to eat.
Maybe what it boils down to is that I have an eating disorder, I dont know.
I overeat, I binge..but most people are only interested in you if your eating disorder is anorexia/bulimia. I'm just treated as if I'm fat and stupid.I should just stop eating.I should just stick to my diet.
If only it was that bloody easy.

I put on my make up each day, and style my hair, and hide behind my painted smile.
But I hate how I look, I hate how out of shape i am, I hate being out of breath just climbing the stairs.I hate my partner looking at my body.
And you think that would be enough to motivate me wouldn't you..but no, I just carry on eating.

Each morning I wake up and tell myself how good I'm going to be,and sometimes I can manage it for a few days,maybe even a couple of weeks but the second i fall off that wagon, it takes me weeks,sometimes months to get back on.

I really need to do something.I hate food and yet i am addicted to it.
I need to do something before food kills me.

Work was so busy the last few days, the way people were shopping you would have thought the shops were going to be shut for a month,not a day!! Ah well,it will be a bit quieter when I go back,thankfully..though i am off for 9 days now.

I have been feeling pretty low today, i have been trying to stave it off but i can feel it it descending on me like a big thick cloud, so I guess so dark emo poems may be finding their way out of me, they usually do when I feel this way.I can feel myself pulling away from people,which,I know, only makes me worse.

There's not any reason why i feel this way,sure crap happened to me in the past,but i don't even dwell on that anymore, forgiven those i have needed to and moved on.My relationship with my mum is heaps better and i know she's only human,and like us all was just doing her best.
Well, there is one person I need to forgive but that won't be happening anytime soon.
I know i should, I know it's only hurting myself to hold onto the pain and anger but it really sticks in my throat to wish him well, as if i'm saying it's okay to have put me through what he did.And no, it wasn't okay.
But on the other hand, I would go through it again, if only to have my beautiful boy..maybe i would have seen sense sooner but you cannot change the past.
I don't dwell on it so much now, so I don't understand why I still get depressed.

Maybe I have been depressed,or had symptoms of it for so long that i use it as a crutch of sorts now, scared of who I am without it,scared of how i will cope without it to fall back on.I guess I use it as an excuse not to do things, so that I can sit in my safe little bubble and people don't challenge or push me too much in case it makes me ill.Heck, i certainly don't challenge myself,so scared of failure that I prefer to stay where I am, even if i am unhappy where I am.

I am angry about my weight.i hate being this size. I hate not being able to wear nice clothes.I hate not being pretty.
And I know it is only me who can do anything about about.So why cant I get off my ass and change?
I can stick to a diet for about 3 weeks and then I lose focus and binge like crazy,so much so that I end up weighing more than when I started! Why can't i have a normal relationship with food?
I am planning on going for a walk or a bike ride tomorrow,maybe that will be a way to get over feeling so run down.I haven't really recovered since having tonsilitis.

Billy is also on holiday so we are planning to go into Poole so he can buy some books, and I can buy some make up.Hopefully,we will get to the cinema too as we both want to see Horton hears a Hoo!
Oh, and I am getting my hair cut next week,then I'm dyeing it red again.
maybe I will feel a bit better next week.

You are not kidding!
I dread to think what this country will be like by the time Billy is an adult.
Food bills are up,gas and electricity is up and so is diesel...I'll bet there are so many living in poverty already, it's ridiculous.
I think the country needs some protesting up and down the country,if only people cared enough to get off their arses and protest.
This government hasn't a clue.
Kids rule this country..and feral ones at that.I don't go out after dark just in case.You're home is not your castle anymore,we live in a country where the youths are growing up with no respect for anybody or anything,if we try to tackle somebody for breaking into our homes, it is US that get our day in court.Hey,why not just leave the door open and invite them in!
And what do the feral kids get, a slap on the wrist for being naughty! fuck-ing-hell! I just feel so mad.
I couldn't even dream of harming another human being, nor an animal.I really am unable to comprehend how people get kicks out of beating a man to death in the street.I can't understand why people are so full of hate and bitterness,and so much venomous anger.Oh, I get pissed off, but I don't go and stab a man just to make myself feel better.
I am scared by the world we live in.I want a world of love and peace,instead i am faced with one full of greed and anger and revenge.
How do I get through the day? I can see that one day in the future,I will be too scared to leave my home.I am too intimidated by the feral youths who roam the streets.Man, I wouldn't have dared to speak to somebody the way they do nowadays.
Whatever happened to respect?
Whatever happened to discipline...insted we have a country ruled by kids, who know the teachers can't touch them,parents cant touch them,hell the cops are even powerless...so where does that leave us?
I want to cry somedays..I feel so helpless in this broken world.

I am 36 and yet most of the time, i act as if life has passed me by.I have forgotten how to laugh,to flirt and to just plain have fun.
When did life leave me,and just leave an empty shell?
But anyhow,I've been listening to Mika and just listening to that has instilled such fun in my heart.
I want to enjoy life again,I dont want to exist and be dragged down by responsibilities and worries..okay they will still be there,i just need to learn how to deal with them differently.Heck,I need to learn to like myself.i need to believe that there is good in me,that I am pretty..hey big is beautiful,right?

Coincidences.For some reason I booked the wrong week off,so instead of having half term off work, I ended up off last week,which just happened to be the week i was ill,and as i was on holiday pay instead of going off sick..I lost no money whatsoever :D


Ooh, and I keep forgetting to take my anti depressants.Bad me.

Every other month I seem to go on a major fiction reading fest,I pick up a book and I simply cannot put it/them down until I have devoured every word.Now usually this means Dean Koontz,but this week it has been Virginia Andrews whom i havent read for years.I read a set of 4 books starting with Flowers in the Attic, and just as I knew it would,it made me cry.

I rarely cry at things in real life,but give me a book and I'll blub like a baby.Even Stephen King's Insomnia makes me cry each time i read it,and god knows how many times I've read it.Which reminds me that I must get another copy of it somtime soon,I leant it to somebody ages ago and they never returned it. :( I hate that,my books are like my babies.
Dean koontz's From the corner of his Eye is another one that makes me really cry,it really wrenches my heart each time i read it.

I guess I read them now and again in order to cry,because I cannot cry any other way,and we all need to release those tears sometimes.


My cough has got no better,and my chest aches so much,all the time.Sometimes,as ridiculous as it sounds,the cough reminds me of whooping cough.I had that as a child and was off school for about 6 weeks.
Back to work tomorrow, it's a good job I am able to work at my own pace,so I'll not be doing too much rushing about..and no overtime either.I still feel pretty drained,but I cannot afford to take time off.

Ah well, I'm off to bed..if my nose will stop running long enough to let me :)

Oh,I am so disease ridden.I ended up getting up at 2.30am because i couldn't sleep due to a blocked nose and constant coughing.
Of course,once downstairs i couldn't sleep so i ended up watching re-runs of Dream Team.
I think I ended up having 4 hours of sleep altogether and my throat feels really sore again,I better phone the doctor on Monday as I'm due back to work on Tuesday..what rollercoaster fun I had on my week off.

Other than that,I have spent most of the weekend catching up with housework i was too ill to do,and that included the 10 ton ironing mountain *shudder* I hate ironing,but with being ill,we had all run out of clothes lol.

I think I slept most of the afternoon away,surprise surprise :)
At least I've got another week off at the end of the month,god knows why the schools have got 3 weeks off though,I mean easter only consists of a weekend really.

I havent updated for a few days have I.
My tonsilitis is gone, now I have a cold.I have really enjoyed my week off from work lol.

I so want the new Top of the Pops album, the 80's.Yes, I know i should grow up but the 80's brings back so many happy memeories, that I'm still not prepared to let go yet.Well occasionally I listen to other stuff...and sometimes I dont listen to anything at all.

Now, I was gonna write something but got side tracked by the tv. Darn that tv.
I have been having so many strange dreams lately that I have decided to start a dream journal,so I can keep a track of them,maybe they mean something but maybe they mean nothing..we'll see.

My daughters boyfriend is still pissing me off royally,and I can see myself exploding at him very soon! He has no respect whatsoever for anybody,his mum who happens to be my best friend,my daughter..oh he definitely has a problem with females..I'll be giving him a problem soon.

Oh! Oh! I just remembered what I was going to write!
Next Thursday i am going with my mate to see Tony Stockwell yay!
We went last year and really enjoyed ourselves, Lorraine paid this year as a treat to me for being a fantastic friend :D

Now, I am off to MySpace to do a little modifying :)

Thank goodness for antibiotics,my throat doesn't feel quite like razor wire anymore,though the side effects of nausea isn't too good. And on the note of side effects, there i was reading through them and one of the side effects is getting a hairy black tongue. WTF?! Now where could i buy a tongue razor????Lol